Speaking from the heart is difficult at any time, not least when you know that what you are saying is available for public consumption. There are details you want everyone to know but cannot speak of, and things you do not want to share but feel compelled to do so. I am aware, from appearances sake at lest, that I have let myself slip over the last few weeks. Unfortunately, appearances aren’t always deceiving.
Recent weeks have taken their toll. It has been an emotional roller-coaster that has left me sleepless, tired, stressed and over the last week ill with what looks to be a chest infection. As a result, for the second time in what was meant to be the build up for a big season of racing, a chance for me to prove myself to those who doubted me and a chance to say thanks to those who didn’t, I’ve lost another 3 week block of training. I know there are those who will be reading this with a wry smile on their face, and there will be those who feel that I am being selfish and too self indulgent for writing this post and my message to you is this: I don’t care what you think. I am of the honest opinion that some people should just mind their own business and not comment on situations they know nothing of, or only know half a story. They know who they are - I will not lose any sleep over your comments.
Originally, this blog was about weight loss. It was simple. I ate less, cycled more, the weight came off, and people congratulated me. Somewhere along the line it became complicated. The weight loss somehow got pushed to one side and the cycling moved to the front. My priorities change, not just in weight loss but in life itself. People said I had changed, and some said for the worse. One even suggested that when I was fat, I was nice. And now that I have lost weight, I am a nasty person, and that I somehow think I am God’s Gift. Put simply, it’s not true. I’m still James. I’m still insecure, I’m still paranoid, I still feel like the 22 stone bloke I was back then, it’s just now I can ride a bike a bit faster. For anyone to suggest otherwise means they don’t know me, and probably never did. Those that do know me know that the last thing I think I am is God’s Gift.
I find myself somewhat at a loose end. My life in general is up in the air, and any stability I had has gone and it is showing in my demeanour and in my training or lack thereof. The weight hasn’t come off. I’m yet to complete any interval training. I’m not the machine I wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m reasonably fit, and I intend to test that fitness in the very near future, but all the promise, all the build up, all the talk has so far amounted to nothing. I will not be entering the season rubbing my hands together in glee, nor will I be looking forward to my first race. I am woefully ill prepared, and extremely worried.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, of sorts. There are, hopefully, some good things happening in my personal life. I’m still 15 stone 10. I can still ride up hills. My bikes are nearly ready. I’ve learned lessons. Moving forward, I know now that life isn’t going to be as simple and as straightforward as I thought it would be a year ago, but I think I am ready to deal with that. However, I do feel a responsibility to this blog now, and to the people who have shown interest and supported me to let them know this:
I’m no quitter. Whatever comes, comes. I’ll ride the storm out and be stronger for it. Bring on March 21st.
Gah, I can amen to some of that. My weight is exactly what it was when I set my goals early January for many of the same reasons MJ. Hopefully for me there will be a different personal outcome but the net result is the same.
I am behind you, beside you and wherever you need a friend. You have the rest of your life to train, you only have one life to live though so I suggest you live happily and train when you are ready and able. It’s only mostly about the bike after all
You’re going to be amazing, I know you are. You’ve got the passion and the fire in your belly! I’m well and truly behind you every step of the way.
Thanks, Carrie. I just felt I had stuff to get off my chest.
Ah, Kerry. You’ve already given me more strength than you can imagine. x
Oh for gods sake, will you two pack it in! Have some sensitivity!
Crikey - it seems like quite a few cyclists are down in the dumps lately
James, I barely know you, just from reading your blog but to this line:
One even suggested that when I was fat, I was nice. And now that I have lost weight, I am a nasty person, and that I somehow think I am God’s Gift…
Seriously? Seriously someone said that to you?
There are many cowards in the world. These cowards prey on other peoples insecurities. This person is just one of them. (Unless its your wife, in which case you’ve got to see a counsellor).
Everyone has their off days / off weeks even. I contemplated quitting biking for good not a couple of months ago - purely because I hate the people on my commute and I let it get the better of me over and over again.
I think Carrie has it right in her last line: You have the rest of your life to train, but you only have one life to live.
Live it.
Be secure in the fact that you’ve inspired many and made many jealous along the way.
This will then breed confidence and the paranoia will disappear for good.
Other than that - I’ll shut up.
Thanks, Joby. You don’t even know me and you’ve gone to all that effort, it means a lot.
Hope to see you at the Chesshire Twat!
People with mean things to say should get their own house inorder first.
What you need my friend is a good lactate!
X
Yes, am sure you will - I’ll look for the arrogant bastard who thinks he’s gods gift… Oh wait… I’d just be looking in a mirror
I’m not prepared for that in the slightest mate - I was supposed to be doing some hill training but weekends get eaten up by family. Just look out for the collapsed cyclist at the top of Mow Cop. That’ll more than likely be me!
TBH, I don’t even know where the start it or what time it starts
I’ve only ever lusted after your carbon fibre and will continue to do so, regardless.
As they say in the great Shire: Think on. No-one ever knows what this means, but everyone nods sagely, anyway.
Onwards and upwards, my friend. Stop whittling and just bloody get on with it, would ya?
Hi mate,
Stick at it,I want you to be at your best when I kick your ass on the 2oth,
If you fancy a practice Keith Jameson are riding the course again on Sunday ,
Leaving Pont at 9
At the start at Belsay for 9;30,
Riding at about 80% race pace,should take us about 1hr 20mins,
you would be more than welcome,
Danny
I cannot believe someone had the audacity to say that to you! No matter what you weigh you’ll always be the same person that you were.
Sod what they say. You’re doing this for you. You and your family. You have one life and you’re living it how you want to live it. A way that enables you to live it for much longer. You’re loving your cycling, your bike probably loves you for what you’re giving it.
If the rest of the world cannot see that nor can they accept what you’re doing then they most certainly do not deserve to know you.
As hard as it gets keep your chin up, keep on cycling, keep on doing positive things for your body. We’re all behind you 100%
Cath - you keep your hands off my carbon. No one covets my carbon, you understand?
Whittling over!
Danny,
You might have to wait until July until I’m anywhere near the best I’ll be for the year.
Thanks for the offer, too - I’m taking Kerry round the MTT course so she can try out her new road bike and also get some hills in ready for the Chesshire Cat!
Thanks “Lost” - you comments and support are much appreciated!
Let me first say that I enjoy your blog, and it’s great to get the weight off your chest, but seriously, don’t listen to comments like….”when you were fat you were nice….”. JobySp got it spot on by stating this fact, that we are all insecure in some way, and the people who make those comments, are simply so insecure, they are on the edge of paranoia, who just have to find the dart to deflate and decry your real achievements, when they have no way of matching you. I’ve been commute/cycling now for 5 years or so, 40 miles roundtrip a day, I am the oldest guy where I work, by at least 10 years, I’m 60 next birthday. A couple of times, and I mean twice, a chap 20 years younger than me, said he was going to commute by bike also. To give him a hand, I said I’d part commute with him. He couldn’t keep up, I told him that was because I’d had more experience than him, but he gave up. Now I’m the butt of jokes from him, and the not so nice types I work with, don’t get me wrong there are plenty of nice guys I also work with, but these guys go on about how cycling has made no difference, that I’m still fat. The truth is, my cycling has made me 2 stone lighter, it doesn’t show much, but I’m full of muscle and more powerful than they have been or will ever be, and it upsets the hell out of them. Stay positive young man, life isn’t a race all the time, enjoying the ride has to be up there, as the most important motivation of all. I’m rooting for you!
see, that two stone, when making the comparison between 2 stone of wobble and 2 stone of muscle makes a heck of a difference. I notice this often with my skinnier but non cycling friends. It may make me seen mean but it does make me feel good about my 14 stone body.
I’ve lost 5.6kg since January and was inspired by this blog to do it.
Diolch
James, “fuck ‘em all bar one and bollocks to him.”
Apologies for the profanities but that was something that one of my old military colleagues said to me when I was having some dramas back in the day. It seems quite apt for your situation.
This seems like a good point to have a clear out. And I’m not just talking personal possessions either!
Just to big you up a bit, it was Frank and you who got me doing all this stuff. So there is a fat Brummie biker who is eternally grateful to you.
Hi James, there are plenty of keyboard ninja out there, I know what it is like to come under attack from these people (term used loosely) my family have been on the receiving end from some of these keyboard ninja’s, and it can wreak havoc with your confidence. Clive has summed it up adequately, get on and live your life the way you want, if you want to do it in the public eye then that is up to you, just stick two fingers up to them and if you get a chance a well placed cycle shoe in the middle wicket…………
James,
come on get back in the game, lots of us readers are on your side!
I feel your frustration, my Cheshire Cat entry is going to be wasted as i have just not got my act together and won’t be ready and it frustrates me.
But hey, Etape caledonia is booked and that was the real goal for me. Whether you will be at your best this month wont matter, I know you will make it and as an ealier comment said, this should be about enjoying your life not martyrdom.
Good luck,
Bryan