Speaking from the heart is difficult at any time, not least when you know that what you are saying is available for public consumption. There are details you want everyone to know but cannot speak of, and things you do not want to share but feel compelled to do so. I am aware, from appearances sake at lest, that I have let myself slip over the last few weeks. Unfortunately, appearances aren’t always deceiving.
Recent weeks have taken their toll. It has been an emotional roller-coaster that has left me sleepless, tired, stressed and over the last week ill with what looks to be a chest infection. As a result, for the second time in what was meant to be the build up for a big season of racing, a chance for me to prove myself to those who doubted me and a chance to say thanks to those who didn’t, I’ve lost another 3 week block of training. I know there are those who will be reading this with a wry smile on their face, and there will be those who feel that I am being selfish and too self indulgent for writing this post and my message to you is this: I don’t care what you think. I am of the honest opinion that some people should just mind their own business and not comment on situations they know nothing of, or only know half a story. They know who they are - I will not lose any sleep over your comments.
Originally, this blog was about weight loss. It was simple. I ate less, cycled more, the weight came off, and people congratulated me. Somewhere along the line it became complicated. The weight loss somehow got pushed to one side and the cycling moved to the front. My priorities change, not just in weight loss but in life itself. People said I had changed, and some said for the worse. One even suggested that when I was fat, I was nice. And now that I have lost weight, I am a nasty person, and that I somehow think I am God’s Gift. Put simply, it’s not true. I’m still James. I’m still insecure, I’m still paranoid, I still feel like the 22 stone bloke I was back then, it’s just now I can ride a bike a bit faster. For anyone to suggest otherwise means they don’t know me, and probably never did. Those that do know me know that the last thing I think I am is God’s Gift.
I find myself somewhat at a loose end. My life in general is up in the air, and any stability I had has gone and it is showing in my demeanour and in my training or lack thereof. The weight hasn’t come off. I’m yet to complete any interval training. I’m not the machine I wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m reasonably fit, and I intend to test that fitness in the very near future, but all the promise, all the build up, all the talk has so far amounted to nothing. I will not be entering the season rubbing my hands together in glee, nor will I be looking forward to my first race. I am woefully ill prepared, and extremely worried.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, of sorts. There are, hopefully, some good things happening in my personal life. I’m still 15 stone 10. I can still ride up hills. My bikes are nearly ready. I’ve learned lessons. Moving forward, I know now that life isn’t going to be as simple and as straightforward as I thought it would be a year ago, but I think I am ready to deal with that. However, I do feel a responsibility to this blog now, and to the people who have shown interest and supported me to let them know this:
I’m no quitter. Whatever comes, comes. I’ll ride the storm out and be stronger for it. Bring on March 21st.